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December 16, 2013

The Nightmare before Christmas….Toronto Style

by mark mclean

the nightmare before xmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the town,
No bubble existed, at least here….downtown
The agents exclaimed no listings we fear
Loosen the rules the buyers are here.

Young families and singles all snug in their beds
While dreams of home ownership danced in their heads
And me in my office feeling the heat
I had just signed my last trade record sheet.

When out of the news there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter
Away to the TV I flew like a flash
It seems like our city had created a splash.

But it wasn’t the number of the cranes in the sky
Or the fact that the traffic was making us cry
The reason our city was under attack?
It seems that our mayor was caught smoking crack.

It is true he declared but I was in a drunk state
I’m in dark alleys….often quiet late
fighting taxes and spending had taken their toll
So I turned to crack to fill my pipe bowl.

The stump of his pipe he held tight in his teeth
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath
With arms round his buddies and a big bright red face
That video it seemed was cause for disgrace

We watched as our leader unraveled….unglued
And a 24hour media circus ensued
More rapid than eagles the reporters they came
And he whistled, and shouted and called them by name

Now Mansbridge, now Stewart, now Anderson Cooper
And an opening night skit on SNL that was super
It is true he exclaimed my language is abhorrent
But please everyone, put away that bench warrant.

We’ll folks, he declared, this is all overblown,
I’ve got plenty to eat, right here at home
At that very moment I awoke with a fright
Wow what a nightmare, things must be all right.

I rose out of bed, stumbled into the den
Flipped on the TV and tuned in to CNN
The news it appeared was actually quiet cheery
a real estate bubble was just a strange theory.

Our mayor was addressing the crowd with a smile
It seems all that cost cutting was really worthwhile
A 50 percent cut to our dreaded land transfer tax
And no services will be under my shiny new axe.

But that is not all he declared with a smirk
My new plan will show there’s plenty of work
The roads, the subways, and parks need a boost
And I’m just the man to push those things throughst.

Oh, His eyes how they twinkled. His dimples how merry
His cheeks were like roses his nose like a cherry
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow
And bit under his nose was as white as the snow

Then our own city council with rob and with Doug
Went back to their jobs to give us a hug
Tax credits, incentives, and and a stunning new proposal
To clean up the town’s garbage disposal

To treb agents our mayor made one last request
A trip for you all ….a week in Key West
You’ve put up with the work load, the pressure, the stress
There’s room in our budget, relax, decompress.

On our return to Toronto the sellers were ready
One house for each buyer, the market was steady
And construction of condos as ever intense
Invest in high spaces, it really makes sense.

And from his pulpit he said all the right stuff
Times have been tough, but enough is enough
Let’s get agents humming
It’s the real estate second coming.

Then he sprang to his escalade, to his team gave a whistle
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle
But I heard him exclaim ere he drove out of sight
Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night.

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